I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
