Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
