Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
