The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Less talking, more tequila
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
