my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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