So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
