I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
