They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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