Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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