I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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