having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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