We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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