My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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