I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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