I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
