He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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