Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
