If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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