WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
