half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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