I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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