Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
