If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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