so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
