I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
