Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize