You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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