You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
