Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
