Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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