i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
