He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
