can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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