Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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