I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
