she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
3 2 1 whiskey
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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