I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
