I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
