I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
