Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize