Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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