Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Randomize
