my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
