Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
