I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
