Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
