Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
