i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
