chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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