he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
