Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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