Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
