she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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