Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
