Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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