she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize