Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
