hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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