he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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