Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
