Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
